Why Big Feelings Hit So Hard (and What We Can Do About It)

If you’ve got a kid with ADHD or autism, there’s a good chance you’ve seen what people sometimes call “ADHD rage” or emotional meltdowns. I’ve seen this with my twins, and in my own life growing up. It can seem like we’re being over the top. But it’s not about being dramatic or looking for attention. It’s emotional dysregulation in kids with ADHD and autism—and it’s one of the core things neurodivergent kids struggle with.

And here’s the hard truth most of us don’t get told early enough: emotional regulation is a developmental skill. That means some kids are going to hit that milestone later than others. For kids with ADHD or autism, that delay can be years.

That’s where parent training comes in. Once you understand what’s going on in your child’s brain—how executive function, meta-cognition, and emotional maturity develop differently—you can adjust your expectations and respond in ways that help, not escalate. Parents can feel like they’re failing, or their kid is broken but neither is true. What is needed is a new lens, new tools, and more support while they figure it out. That’s what I do as a coach: help parents understand their child’s neurodivergence, shift how they approach behavior, and build real strategies that fit their family—not someone else’s.

Let’s break down what emotional dysregulation looks like in younger children—and how parents can show up in ways that help.

Ages 2–5: No Filter, All Emotion

This is the age where all kids are emotional, but for kids with ADHD or autism, it’s dialed up. You get the full blast—laughing one second, melting down the next. This intense reactivity is a hallmark of emotional dysregulation in kids with ADHD and autism.

Kids this age don’t have meta-cognition yet (the ability to think about their own thinking), and for neurodivergent kids, that milestone can be even more delayed. They feel things fast, big, and all at once, with no built-in pause button.

The way parents, in turn, show up, matters. Parents model the behavior they want to develop in their child. We co-regulate with them by staying grounded yourself, offering comfort, and modeling calm. Words have little impact, but our calm, steady presence will speak volumes. Sensory tools, pressure input, time outdoors, and movement also have a role and will help more than any pep talk. The key is providing outlets and modeling regulation.

Ages 6–9: Big Feelings, Bigger Reactions

This is when the emotional explosions show up more often—and in more public ways. You might see biting, hitting, kicking, or full-on meltdowns in the middle of group play. Not because they’re trying to hurt someone, but because their brain and body are in overload. Their nervous system is reacting, not planning.

This age is when the social gap in maturity is more obvious. Your child want to connect, play, and be accepted—but when things feel unfair or unpredictable, the whole system short-circuits. A simple disagreement over game rules turns into yelling or storming off. One second, they’re happily playing and content, the next they’re on the floor, crying or throwing something across the room.

And if the child has a history of corporal punishment or harsh correction, that shows up as well. A kid who’s learned that physical reactions when stressed are normal is more likely to lead with their body when they don’t have words to express what they are feeling. Internally, their frustration builds. 

They realize they get in trouble more often than other kids, so they start questioning themselves. “Why is it always me that gets in trouble?”    Even well-meaning encouragement can land wrong—“You’re smart; you just need to focus” can easily be turned into a negative thought of  “If I can’t focus, I must not be smart.”

This is when the  imposter syndrome or masking can take hold. To hide their feelings or worries of inadequacy,  the child assumes an  “I don’t care,” attitude, strives for perfection, develops anxieties, or becomes defiant. But many times, the defiance is fear talking. “If I try and fail, I just prove I’m not good enough.”

Here’s where the right interventions make a real difference. With the right support, therapy, coaching, medication, parent training—we build the child’s emotional vocabulary which helps them label what they’re feeling before it becomes a meltdown.

We give them better outlets for their emotions. Movement, sensory play, deep pressure, outside time, quiet reset spaces—these aren’t just “nice to have.” They’re essential. Emotional regulation starts in the nervous system. And at this age, we can manage the storms by build the right environment and teaching the necessary skills for self-calming, like deep breathing and taking breaks.  

What I Hope You Walk Away Understanding About Emotional Dysregulation in Kids with ADHD and Autism

Emotional dysregulation in kids with ADHD and autism is often misunderstood. But emotional regulation is a skill—not a behavior problem, not a moral issue, and definitely not something a kid “just grows out of.” It’s something we model, teach, and practice.

Neurodivergent kids feel things big. And fast. And deep. If we don’t give them tools to manage those feelings in acceptable ways, the world will teach them to hide them or shame them for having them. Having feelings is healthy, but it is important to express those feelings in appropriate ways.

Parents have an important role in helping their children learn to manage and express their emotions in appropriate ways by modeling emotional regulation and patiently teaching the skills to regulate their own emotions.

And we keep fighting for environments that support—not punish—our child’s emotional growth because we recognize they don’t need to be “fixed.” They need to be understood.