If you think your daughter has ADHD, before seeking a diagnosis, educate yourself. The more you know as a parent, the better prepared you are to talk with your daughter about her ADHD, understand her, and help her. ADDitudemag.com, CHADD.org, and CADDAC.ca are excellent sources of reputable and reliable information. Your comfort with ADHD and talking about it increases when you are more knowledgeable.
Being able to talk with your daughter about her ADHD easily conveys the message that ADHD does not need to be hidden. It says that you believe in her and her abilities. Let her know that she is not alone, that you are there to help, and that you love her.
If you keep your daughter’s diagnosis from her, it implies that ADHD is shameful and something to be embarrassed about. It’s never too early to start talking with your daughter about her ADHD.
Prepare what you will say after her diagnosis. Connect with your confidence in her ability to overcome challenges. Approach the initial conversation knowing that it will be a relief for you and your daughter to have this new understanding of her. Children with ADHD know they are struggling and are aware of being different. They have a sense of this even if they don’t articulate it.
The way we talk about ADHD now will influence how your daughter sees herself for the rest of her life.
You want the conversation to be reassuring and constructive, but you don’t want to sugarcoat it. Point out a few of the problems your daughter has because of her ADHD…. concrete examples, like the things that she complains about or that you are constantly nagging her about –e.g., trouble getting ready for school on time, not finding her possessions, completing her morning routine without reminders, not readily changing her clothes after school. At the same time, point out her positive qualities and capabilities.
It’s too simplistic –and just not accurate – to say that ADHD means having trouble with attention. Instead, ADHD is a pattern of strengths and challenges that makes some environments easy to navigate and others much more challenging.
Dr. Liz Angoff provides an excellent way to start the conversation.” We learned that your brain is built in a way that makes your strengths (describe some of your daughter’s strengths) come easily and other things (describe some of your daughter’s challenges) much more difficult. It turns out you’re not alone. This patten happens a lot and we call it ADHD. Now that we know, our job is to make the most of your amazing strengths and find ways to make the hard things easier.” Know that it will be a relief for your daughter to have her struggles acknowledged.
You want to be brief and age-appropriate in your words and concepts, and convey that ADHD is a difference in how her brain works, not a deficit or deficiency.
After the initial conversation, future mentions of ADHD can be casual and natural, but don’t hesitate to mention it. When you discuss ADHD openly and freely and provide reassurance and suggestions, you let your daughter know you believe in her abilities. Encourage her to ask questions and contribute her ideas. The goal, whenever talking about ADHD, is to provide reassurance that ADHD is not who she is. It is something she has, but it doesn’t define who she is or will grow up to be. Provide inspiration in adults who have ADHD and are living extraordinary lives such as Simone Biles and Paris Hilton.
Employ a growth mindset. If your daughter cannot do something now, she cannot do it yet. She can continue to improve and learn new behaviors.
Stay positive. This is the most important aspect when talking with your daughter. Be sure to tell her that you know she tried her best. Talk openly and supportively, and make sure she feels loved and accepted. Focus on your daughter’s strengths and positive qualities. You can help improve her focus by exploring her interests and encouraging her to lean into them, demonstrating how well she focuses when engaged. Avoid scolding her. Avoid making her feel ashamed she has ADHD. Remind yourself that kids do well if they can.
Things you can say:
- ADHD is a part of who you are, but it isn’t the most important thing about you.
- Lots of brilliant and creative people have ADHD. It just means that you learn a differently, and we will work together to find the best ways for you to learn.
- Sometimes it may be harder for you to pay attention to your teacher, and that’s totally normal for children with ADHD. That’s why we are finding new ways to help you listen.
Dr. Liz Anhoff offers a few additional suggestions for talking about ADHD with your daughter.
- ADHD means your brain is built in a way that makes memory and creativity easy, but writing and waiting your turn more difficult.
- ADHD means your brain is noticing many things at once, but it may be tricky to focus on the one thing your teacher is asking.
- ADHD means your brain enjoys new and exciting things, but it may be harder to learn things you have to repeat a lot, like math facts.
A helpful book for 7-9-year-olds is Learning To Slow Down & Pay Attention: A Book for Kids About ADHD by Kathleen G. Nadeau and Ellen B. Dixon. This book sees things from the child’s perspective and knows their experiences from the inside.
A motivating book for your daughter that teaches that the brain is always growing, and that children can learn new things and improve their abilities is Your Fantastic Elastic Brain: A Growth Mindset Book for Kids to Stretch and Shape Their Brains by JoAnn Deak Ph.D. and Sarah Ackerley.
A book that showcases how attention deficit hyperactivity disorder profoundly affects a person’s daily life and emotional well-being is Living with Inattentive ADHD: Climbing the Circular Staircase of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
In summary: Treasure your unique and special daughter. Enjoy her and value her.
