Emotional dysregulation is a part of ADHD that hasn’t been looked at enough. It’s more than just executive function struggles. The emotional side needs real attention.
~ Katherine Lizardo, ADHD mom, lawyer, and motivational speaker
You made toast for your daughter…but it’s a little darker than she would like. She cries, announcing her day is ruined. You are at a loss. It’s just toast, right?
But it’s not just toast. It’s emotional dysregulation, a difficulty processing and responding appropriately in certain situations. It’s a common part of ADHD. In fact, up to 60% of ADHD kids experience it.
The attention and focus symptoms of ADHD often take center stage, but emotional dysregulation symptoms are just as important. Unfortunately, the emotional piece of ADHD is frequently misunderstood and overlooked.
So, if you’ve watched your daughter fall to pieces over toast and wondered—what’s the big deal?—this blog is for you.
Where does ADHD emotional dysregulation come from?
Emotional dysregulation with ADHD starts in the brain. Scans show ADHD brains have connectivity, structure, and functions that are very different from non-ADHD brains.
The Limbic system
First, ADHD affects the limbic system, or the brain’s “emotional network .”This system includes the hippocampus and amygdala. A recent study performed serial brain scans in kids with and without ADHD. Those functional MRIs showed that ADHD kids generally had smaller limbic systems than neurotypical kids.
The amygdala
When the amygdala works correctly, it releases a flood of emotions to alert you to danger. It’s a powerful and primal response designed to keep you safe. One psychologist, Daniel Goleman, calls this overwhelming rush of emotions an “amygdala hijack.”
However, an ADHD amygdala can misinterpret normal situations as dangerous and sound the alarm. In other words, a difficult math problem and an impending shark attack could feel equally threatening to your daughter. Her emotional brain is alarming, and her BIG EMOTIONS fly out before her rational thoughts can catch up.
The Prefrontal Cortex
The prefrontal cortex, or PFC, is the brain’s “control center.” It accepts and filters input from other areas, like the amygdala. However, ADHD PFCs typically show less activity and altered connectivity. In other words, your daughter’s brain doesn’t always receive messages the way it should. And that can decrease her ability to control her emotions.
Executive dysfunction
The PFC also houses a set of abilities that include planning, task motivation, and memory. These abilities are executive functions, and they’re less developed in ADHD brains. This makes daily tasks harder for your daughter. And that’s a frustrating hit to her self-esteem. Every day, she sees other kids easily do things that she can’t. Why can’t she do those things, too? She starts wondering what’s wrong with her.
Other factors that contribute to emotional dysregulation
Sensory Processing Disorder
Up to 40% of kids with ADHD have sensory processing issues. And that puts an extra strain on them. For example, most people don’t notice an A/C humming in the background. Meanwhile, your daughter’s brain is acutely aware of that noise and actively interprets, organizes, and responds to that stimuli.
“Just as we have trouble filtering what goes out, we have trouble filtering what comes in.”
~Ned Hallowell, ADHD psychiatrist and author
Your daughter may not know why something irritates her; she just knows it is. Of course, it might seem silly when it’s a barely audible noise or an uncomfortable sock. But if your daughter is already functioning near the top of her coping abilities, an itchy sock can push her over the emotional edge.
Emotional dysregulation can develop over time as a learned response
Although studies show similar levels of emotional dysregulation between young boys and girls, it doesn’t stay that way. Boys show major improvements in emotional regulation as they grow, but many girls don’t. As their struggles continue, ADHD girls doubt themselves and their abilities. They fear judgment. And those feelings are often reinforced. ADHD experts, including William Dodson, estimate that children with ADHD hear 20,000 more negative messages by age 10 than kids without ADHD. Your daughter internalizes those messages, and her self-esteem suffers.
What ADHD emotional dysregulation looks like
Emotional highs and lows:
Your daughter has wide emotional swings. She’s happy one minute and sad the next, often without a warning.
For example, you’ll get ice cream. This is the “BEST DAY EVER!” But then, they don’t have her favorite flavor. Now, it’s the “WORST DAY EVER.”
Low frustration tolerance
Your daughter melts down over things that seemingly aren’t a big deal. For instance, if she makes a mistake on her homework, her initial response isn’t to cross it out or erase it. Instead, she cries that she can’t do anything right.
She quickly gets frustrated if she can’t do something perfectly on the first try or if it seems too hard. Her emotions take over. Rather than continue, she’ll quit activities before her problem-solving abilities have a chance to catch up. Likewise, if a situation doesn’t go her way, she doesn’t take the time to process it. Instead, she impulsively yells, cries, or storms off.
Emotional shut-down and explosion
Social expectations for boys and girls are different. You expect boys to be energetic, loud, rough-and-tumble creatures. But girls are supposed to be obedient, polite, and more emotionally mature. So, if your daughter feels BIG EMOTIONS that fly in the face of social expectations, she might keep them to herself. She’ll say she’s fine, even when she’s clearly not.
Eventually, it becomes too much, and your daughter can’t hide her feelings anymore. Her emotions explode. After an outburst, she might feel guilty, creeping out of her room with a tearful apology. Or she might isolate herself and give you the silent treatment.
Perfectionism and anxiety
Your daughter is scared of making careless mistakes. She checks and rechecks her work. Any mistake, even small ones, feels like a failure. She starts to develop anxiety and perfectionism. And continually missing an imaginary mark of perfection makes criticism of her feel more painful.
Where and how ADHD emotional dysregulation shows up
At school
During the school day, transitions are difficult for your daughter. This is especially true when moving from a fun activity to a boring one! Who wants to go from recess to math class?
Your daughter also struggles to accept routine corrections. For example, if a teacher tells her to quiet down, she feels rejected. Same thing with her classmates. If they misunderstand or ignore her, she takes it personally. She’ll hold on to those hurt feelings, which might come roaring out long after everyone has moved on.
At home
Some days, your home is a battleground, and you walk on eggshells around your daughter. Minor disagreements quickly become World War III; you never know what will set her off.
You’re constantly at odds with your daughter. For example, she wants to keep playing, but it’s suppertime. Because of her ADHD, she struggles transitioning, especially when that means stopping an activity she likes. But when you need her to come for dinner, you need her to come for dinner. Neither one of you feels understood, and a power struggle ensues.
This tension is especially common when your daughter masks or hides her symptoms at school. Throughout the day, her emotions build up inside of her. She’s exhausted from the effort when she gets home and melts down.
Social life
For kids with ADHD, when they’re constantly hearing negative feedback, not getting invited to birthday parties or picked for teams, it can be demoralizing.
~ Andrea Kronos Tuscano, clinical psychologist, ADHD expert
Kids make snap decisions about who they want as friends, usually within 30 minutes of meeting. Unfortunately, girls with ADHD are more likely to be rejected than other girls. For example, girls with combination ADHD tend to interrupt their classmates. They’re seen as dramatic, rude, or bossy. As a result, their classmates reject them. On the other hand, girls with inattentive ADHD tend to be ignored and hover around the edges of social groups. Of course, social rejection is emotionally painful for any child, but it’s especially difficult for girls with ADHD.
Although your daughter may have friends, she still has a hard time understanding typical social situations. For example, she may be very possessive of a relationship and crushed if that friend plays with someone else. How could her friend do that? She’s jealous, angry, and hurt. To her, it feels like a personal slight.
Your daughter is also prone to outbursts while playing games. She’s competitive and feels the highs and lows of winning and losing intensely. When she wins, she may gloat, making other children feel bad. Or when she loses, she may accuse others of cheating, cry, or quit.
Future impacts of emotional dysregulation
These girls feel that they’re not accepted by others, and they pick up on the negative descriptions from teachers and healthcare professionals. They believe they are not likable, and that feeling of being misunderstood can be huge.
~Lotta Borg Skoglund, MD, Ph.D., ADHD author and speaker
Limits your daughter’s potential
When your daughter doesn’t have control over her emotions, situations dictate her life. She’ll start to avoid things. For instance, she may refuse to begin assignments because of fear of failure. She might refuse to introduce herself to new children or join team sports to protect herself from potential rejection. And as she grows up, she might avoid opportunities like attending college or applying for her dream job because she fears failure or rejection.
Increases her Risks
Emotionally dysregulated girls with ADHD have a higher chance of poor outcomes. When your daughter can’t communicate and control her feelings, she’s much more likely to make dangerous and impulsive decisions. And a lack of healthy social connections raises her mental health risks, such as depression and anxiety. When she feels isolated, the likelihood of substance abuse, self-harm, abusive relationships, and other poor outcomes increases.
Final thoughts: supporting your ADHD daughter with emotional dysregulation
Oftentimes, the influence of ADHD on emotional regulation is overlooked or dismissed. But the sad fact is your daughter will internalize her BIG emotions as a character flaw. She feels that who she is is unacceptable. But your support changes that.
Understanding is the first step. It gives you empathy, compassion, and patience to support your daughter and her emotions. She’s not “bad” or acting out, she’s struggling. When you view her emotional dysregulation this way, the outlook changes. Her emotional challenges are opportunities for you to support her and help her grow.
Coming soon: ways to support your ADHD daughter and teach emotional regulation skills